also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
