One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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