Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
