he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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