just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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