Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
