so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
