so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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