I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I need a burrito and a hug.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
