I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
