a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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