escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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