Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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