i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
