either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
