Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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