ya dads aren't the best wingmen
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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