Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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