all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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