what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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