when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
