my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
