So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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