Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
