They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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