This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
