Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
