Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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