Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Are my feet made of real feet?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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