bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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