Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
