wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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