my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize