Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
