Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
