Four minutes until I can fart!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
