Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
