There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
