i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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