How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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