So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
