I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize