i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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