I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
two words: eviction party
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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