Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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