If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
