Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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