Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
