So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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