I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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