The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
