I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
