Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
