I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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